// Finally Lose Weight

In The Us Factor Marriage Program, Dr. Melnick talks about a sure way to cause your partner not to trust you. Its called “The Yes…But”, and basically it goes like this: You start out saying something positive, then follow it up with something negative. Here are a couple of examples:

“Dear, I like the way you’ve been handling the finances, but I think it would be better if you paid the credit card bills before you took out money for spending cash”.

Or “You did a great job helping little Jimmy with his homework tonight, but I wish you didnt work so much so you could help him every night.”

These are examples of how the second half of a sentence can wipe out the first half. If this gets to be too much of a habit, and you use this style of communicating often, your spouse will eventually start to just hear the negative half, and not even notice the compliment. They’ll feel manipulated, and they are.

Another reason that people feel the need to use the “Yes…But” is because they think it’s best to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings:

“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!

Here’s something to try: If you need to have an uncomfortable discussion with your spouse, prepare the ground first. Ask them when they would be able and willing to sit down and discuss a concern you have. Don’t just spring it on them!

It’s really important to separate the negative frrom the positive, if you want to have a good relationship. If you like the way your spouse does something tell them. “I like the way you arranged the furniture”. On the other hand, you can say “I don’t like the living room this way. Can we discuss it?” if you don’t like it.

Giving examples is a good communication technique. You also want to take care not to shame or blame. Be kind, and use “I feel” statements, and you are much less likely to offend or start a fight. Most of all - don’t mix the good with the bad!